Every culture in the world has, or used to have, a tradition of nurturing new mothers, a period of about a month when relatives or members of the community (usually women) rally round to support the new mother. They take care of household tasks, feed the mother specific nourishing foods, take care of the baby so she can rest, make sure she keeps her warm, massage and wrap her body, and generally provide support whilst she finds her feet and gets to know her baby and how to care for her.
In the UK not only are new mothers mostly alone and expected to meet their own and their new baby’s needs (sometimes whilst also recovering from major abdominal surgery), but there is immense pressure to “go back to normal” as fast as possible.
So what can we do? Just as I encourage my clients to write several birth plans to cover all eventualities, I now encourage them to write a postnatal recovery plan too. Just like for birth, the value isn’t so much in the finalised plan itself, but more in the process of exploring options and discovering what’s important to you and how you can maximise the chances of getting what you need.
Here are some suggestions for a postnatal recovery plan after the birth of your baby:
- Make a list of all the possible people that could come to support and help you get some rest after the birth. Explain ahead of time what you will be trying to achieve, and ask for specific help from people. People love to help, they just don’t know how to do it most times.
- Keep early afternoons free for napping, which is when most of us are at our sleepiest. Make a note for the door to avoid being woken up during your nap or by unwanted visitors. Something like “New mother and baby sleeping, please don’t knock or ring the doorbell, leave deliveries by the door/in this safe place/with neighbours/come back later”.
- Try to rest. You may have heard the expression sleep when the baby sleeps – there is true wisdom in it. If you cannot sleep, you could simply lie down and relax and/or listen to a relaxation track.
- Choose your supporters wisely, in that ideally they should be both helpful and make you feel good. Having a bossy mother in law that irritates you isn’t going to make for restful time. Nor is having a relative who expects to be waited upon.
- If you can afford it, consider hiring a postnatal doula. Or get family and friends to buy you doula vouchers. There are so many reasons for why this can be a game changer.
- Get your partner on board with your postnatal need for rest (if you have a partner). The first cause of conflict in couples after the birth of a baby is “who does what”. Sit down with your partner, and separately write a list of all the chores and who does them. Then sit down and compare notes. Work together through what tasks can be dumped, outsourced, and taken on by the partner. The book “Baby’s here! who does what?” by Duncan Fisher is a useful and easy to read resource.
- Plan for “one week in bed, one week around the bed/on the sofa”.
- Batch cook and freeze food, ask for visitors to bring you homemade dishes, get some food delivered, stock up on nutritious snacks.
- Ask for gifts for yourself rather than the baby. This can include food deliveries, vouchers for a postnatal doula or a postnatal massage or bodywork, offers to come and look after your baby so you can sleep etc
- A wonderful way to encourage the support to come to you rather than the baby is to organise a mother blessing during pregnancy, which is a mother centered alternative to a baby shower. This is the perfect time to ask for gifts and pledges of support.
- Plan for the unplanned. You might want to make sure that your plan includes possible curveballs, such as having a long induction or a caesarean, or if you and/or your baby need to stay in hospital for a while.
Preparing for the postpartum period is just as important as preparing for the birth of your baby. It isn’t a selfish act, because you cannot pour from an empty cup, so your whole family will benefit if you feel supported.
Why Postnatal Recovery Matters by Sophie Messager is published by Pinter & Martin, £8.99
Sophie Messager has a PhD physiology of reproduction and is a doula, perinatal educator and healer. Sophie is a birth geek and knowledge junkie but has a more spiritual side too, so she also trained as a Reiki and Reiki Drum practitioner and teacher. Training and personal practice have led her to master a wide range of labour and postnatal comfort measures and skills, such as massage, rebozo, birth and postnatal healing rituals. Sophie teaches these skills to parents and birthworkers, individually, in workshops and online. Her work is a blend of traditional and scientific knowledge www.sophiemessager.com